Desire
by BellatrixLestrangey
Summary: One shot: A transgender Azula trying to sort out her feelings. I've been meaning to type this since I found out that it was supposedly in the original plan for Azula to be Zuko's brother.


**Posted this one on tumblr and almost forgot to put it here. Anyhow I decided to take a step out of my comfort zone because I'm still not entirely sure how to write transgender characters but the only way to learn is to do it lol. So I went for it. That said, please let me know how I did.**

* * *

Azula had worn a dress before.

She'd worn many of them in fact.

Pretty dresses that her mother claimed bought out her femininity. That bought out her beauty and the color of her eyes. She always dabbed on a touch of lipstick, at first to keep Ursa off of her case and in her later years out of habit.

But she preferred pants.

They fit her better anyhow.

Fit her as the person she wanted to be, not as the delicate person she was born.

Azula wasn't quite sure when she began to consider referring to herself as himself. She wasn't sure if she truly did want to call herself a he.

It felt right, but all the same if felt wrong.

And so Azula settled on referring to himself as a he when he was thinking of himself and a her when he was in the company of others, particularly his mother. Somehow Azula had a feeling that it would be safe to use he in front of his father. Ozai had wanted another boy anyhow. He didn't say it, but Azula knew it.

Perhaps that was why Azula wanted to be a man so much. That and they were more likely to be seated on the throne. And for that he wondered if he had any right to call himself a he if his desire to be a he came from a need for power and a desire to please.

Azula ran a hand through long silky hair, he wanted nothing more than to chop off. Perhaps it was more than just wanting power and praise. Perhaps he really did just feel more man than woman. Why the hell was it so hard to sort out these feelings.

Azula bit his lip. Almost as much as he wanted to be a man, he wanted to cry. _This is why you were born a woman_. He scolded himself.

"Men don't cry!" Azula heard her father scolding Zuko once. "A real man sucks it up. Are you a girl Zuko? Is that why you're crying?"

Quickly after that Ursa stepped in, "There is nothing wrong with him crying. He's a child! Even if he wasn't there's nothing wrong with if."

"Crying is a women's emotion." Ozai had spat venomously.

Somehow Azula thought that those poisonous words were spoken in reference to him.

"A women's emotion?" Ursa scowled. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Azula didn't stay to hear the rest he was content vowing to never cry again, if that would make him more man than woman. Even when Ursa assured him that it was okay to cry. That everyone cries, man or woman. That Ozai was wrong.

"You're the one who is wrong!" Azula had hissed, wanting to believe that simply not crying alone was enough to truly turn her into a him.

Ursa had asked him why he was so unhappy all the time. Azula couldn't bring himself to vocalize the true reason for his despair. He had watched Lu-Tama, a palace guard get carted off to an institution for admitting that he. No, _she_ wanted be called Li-Tama.

Azula wouldn't put himself in that position.

 _But perhaps it will be different for you_ , a little voice chimed within Azula's head. _Li-Tama was just a guard, you are royalty. You are his daughter. His son._ And even more softly it added, _and you want to be a man._

Azula shuddered, deep down he knew something was wrong with Ozai's way of thinking. With the way of thinking that was becoming ingrained in himself. And again he questioned the authenticity of his yearning to become a man.

And yet whenever he looked in the mirror he cringed at his soft delicate skin and features and frowned at the way his body curved. Feeling somehow that, that wasn't how it was supposed to be.

And Azula wondered if perhaps his spirt was meant for Li-Tama's body and Li-Tama's spirit belonged to his.

He should have talked to her before they took her away.

He should have done a lot of things.

He should do a lot of things.

He should tell Ozai of his true self.

But the thought of doing so was only dismal and despairing.

And so he would take hours of his mother telling him to sit and act like a lady and telling him that he can't train and firebend as a man would.

Maybe that's all he wanted, for his mother to let him try the same things that Zuko got to try. It would be much simpler if that's all he wanted.

Azula looked over at his mother. The woman who already hated him, what could it damage to tell her how he felt. Perhaps the woman simply didn't realize there was a problem. Azula stood and slowly wandered over to his mother…


End file.
